But the relationship remains in trouble: While at times during the therapy the marriage has felt calmer and more connected, inevitably it falls apart. As long as Michelle is loving toward Howard, the relationship rolls along relatively calmly. But if she is upset with him, angry or hurt, Howard is unable to hear or use this information. His armor is impossibly thick, at these times — not a recipe for an ongoing, growing, connection. This lack of penetrability, or emotional rigidity, is, in my view, the #1 promoter of divorce.
Spending time in uncomfortable emotional zones seems like a hallmark of actually thinking about new things… actually thinking about things.